I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
