Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
