you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize