this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
