Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
