We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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