apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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