I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
