I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Green mimosas i think yes
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
