The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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