I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
