At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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