She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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