Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
