Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
