do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
