I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize