I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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