i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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