I will die if light touches me.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
