Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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