my phone needs a breathalizer
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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