I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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