Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
