Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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