Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
someone get that fucking seahorse.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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