I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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