i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
