we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize