I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I look better un-naked...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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