ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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