woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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