Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have aggressive nipples.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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