Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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