Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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