2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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