cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
