you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
