Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
