I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
