Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize