I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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