I'm eating all of the evidence.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
