You're a womanizer and a bitch.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
