I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
