omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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