Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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