I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
