Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
