I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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