Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize