Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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