He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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