So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
