I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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