Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
