Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
